Wednesday, I dug out my old bathing suit. It is real stretchy. I wore it when I weighed 30 pounds less and 20 pounds less. Now that is one size fits all! It hasn’t seen the light of day for four and a half years. I must say it is not very becoming today, but will do for the beautiful beaches of Eleuthra. Where we will be is almost empty of people.

Lisa noted on reading my blog that she didn’t “give a rat’s ass” on how I look in a bathing suit. We are off to Eleuthra in four days with Lisa and her husband, and she will see plenty of me and plenty of times in a bathing suit. (Below is a picture of Lisa my brother, sisters, and me when we were very little. I am the blonde with the belly button showing; Lisa is in the second row, second from the right.) Several have written something similar, and I realize that I am the only person who really cares about the way I look. When you are overweight, but not morbidly obese, you just blend into overweight America. No one thinks much about it – being slim is the outlier, particularly at my age.

I can’t count the number of times in my life when I have awakened in the morning and pledged to reform my consumption habits, particularly after a night of "too much” of everything. Self-esteem and looking good (which I equate with slimness) are intertwined from the moment you are born. It may be one of the first things we learn as our mothers and aunts coo over us. It’s not much later that we learn being overweight is negative. This is another hard childhood lesson, one of the first insults thrown at you if you are heavier than norm as a child. I remember watching a friend, JoAnne, in grade school get mercilessly teased. And another early lesson, high calorie food, especially sweets, is a reward for being good.

I am a quick eater – among the first to be done at dinner. I gobble versus savor. I wonder if that is because there were four children in our family and it was get what you can (when my mother was still alive) or that meals were so unpleasant with my stepmother and father that you hurried to get through and be excused. More food for thought.